Ooooh, look at me, I'm so cool because I go to Sahel every weekend, because, like, staying in Cairo is so, like, uhhhh. How dare you even suggest that I stay - what am I, a loser? Childish rant over. Here's what Cairo-bound people have to look forward to this weekend while you try and blow sand out of the rim your beer can, get stuck at checkpoints and try and convince yourself that you're new bikini fits. Loser.
OUM & El DOR EL AWAL @ CAIRO JAZZ CLUB (Thursday)
Unique French-Moroccan songstress and all-round cool cat, OUM, returns to Cairo Jazz Club for a night of African-fusion music, with El Dor El Awal also flexing the Mediterranean jazz muscles.
MINUS T & CHIATI @ ZIGZAG (Thursday)
One of Egypt's most versatile DJs, Minus T, kicks off the weekend at Zigzag summer-taster for its September season, with another of the country's best, Hatem El Chiati, joining him for pure music lover's night at the Downtown bar.
GRAFFITI CIRCUS @ GRAFFITI (Thursday)
There are few bars or clubs that commit as wholly to theme nights as Graffiti - fact. This weekend, the Four Seasons Nile Plaza's resident drink n' dance hub is turning into a circus of sorts, with a host of live entertainment.
OUZO @ THE TAP MAADI (Thursday)
Pacha Sharm resident and expert beard-grower, Ouzo, kicks off a busy weekend for himself with a night of house at The Tap Maadi. He also gets the honour of having two photos of himself in the same piece. Achievement.
SEBZZ @ CAIRO JAZZ CLUB (Friday)
More of the best of local talent is out on show at Cairo Jazz Club at what is always a feverish Friday, with Ahmed 'Sebzz' El Sebai taking the booth all for himself.
MISTY @ THE TAP EAST (Friday)
After a Thursday night gig at Exit in Sahel, local favourte, Misty, is heading back down south to bless The Tap East with a night of house.
MAN-O & OUZO @ ZIGZAG (Friday)
That man again, Ouzo, will have just enough time to shower, get some food inside his belly and some much-needed shuteye before he's back in action on a line-up that also includes Man-O at Zigzag.
ELECTRIC PICNIC @ THE TAP MAADI (Friday)
Back by popular demand, local rock outfit, Electric Picnic, return to The Tap Maadi for a night of covers and request rejections. Musicians hate it as much as DJs, by the way. We don't have a photo of them, but here's a one of a nice blanket that may or may not be electric. It's probably not though. Because electric picnic blankets aren't a thing.
A bare Saturday has thrown up one event of note, as Salalem's Mohamed Ali brings his new reggae-Arabic act, The Walkman Show, to the CJC stage on a night that will also see one of Cairo's best underground bands, Do'souka perform.
These are, of course, just a few of the gnarly events taking place in the capital. Check out the CG events calendar for more in Cairo, as well Sahel's top events.
By Kalam El Qahaira